The Worst Addiction

Self-defeat....it surrounds us every day. Self-doubt, stereotypical thoughts/comments, negativity, etc..Most of us are involved in it at some point...some more than others. Perhaps the worst state of self-defeat comes in the form of "playing the victim". We all know at least one person who seemingly can NEVER have a good day, always has something/someone to complain about, always gets the short end of the stick, is always being done wrong, and yet, they fail to see their own fault in ANY of it.

Tara Parker-Pope writes: 

"I got a glimpse of it once from another patient, a woman in her early 60s who complained about her ungrateful children and neglectful friends. As she spoke, it was clear she felt that all the major figures in her life had done her wrong. In fact, her status as an injured party afforded her a psychological advantage: she felt morally superior to everyone she felt had mistreated her. This was a role she had no intention of giving up.

As she left my office, she smiled and said, 'I don’t expect that you’ll be able to help me.' She was already setting up her next failure: her treatment."

Sound familiar? Maybe a little too familiar for some? It's almost like a disease or drug addiction...like people get some sort of high or satisfaction from tearing themselves and others down. It's a subconscious reflex to point the finger for every bad situation. Some people find themselves unhappy and the only way find reassurance is to assign a scapegoat for everything that is going wrong, has gone wrong, or will go wrong in their lives. In any event, I would like to delve a little into how self-victimization can affect us in our personal relationships.

When we play the victim in our personal relationships, it takes the substance out of the connections that we build with people and becomes a game of manipulation. Like a chess game....and your friends/relatives are the pieces. It's easy to manipulate most people by way of sympathy if you choose to do so. Why? People hate to see someone else suffer. Furthermore, they hate it more to think of themselves as the cause of someone else's suffering. What's worse is the friends and relatives that we choose to manipulate and antagonize are often the closest people to us and end up being the ones that we push away. Then we still feel wronged to some degree because we have "the right to be angry" because THIS or THAT happened to us and if people truly cared they would stick around and accept it. (Terribly wrong on so many levels.) So after driving out every substantial relationship, we keep the "yes men/ yes women" around, not to build relationships, but to provide validation as a catalyst for the addiction.  

Yes, we have the right to be angry.....and the people close to us have the right to decide whether or not they want to deal with that anger and resentment. Consequently, most times they choose not to and they can't be held at fault for that. Some people can't be helped simply because they refuse to help themselves...don't get comfortable in your anger. If people are constantly leaving your life, maybe it's because you showed them the door then proceeded to kick them through it. If none of your relationships seem to have any real substance or durability, maybe it's because you don't either....harsh reality.

Pointing the finger can be very deceiving in that it provides a false sense of power to whomever is doing the pointing. I can see how it can possibly make one feel more powerful to release all blame from themselves and throw the baggage on someone else, but ironically, when you do this you are actually surrendering power. Essentially it's like saying someone or something had greater power over a situation than you did. Like you were too incompetent to control your OWN actions as a grown man or woman. Makes no sense to me and I am hard pressed to believe it. But what does make sense is the fact that some people tend to run from being responsible for their actions. It's easier to issue 1,000 excuses rather than 1 acknowledgment or confession that we were wrong. If you messed up, admit it. If you made a bad decision, admit it. If you were late for work, don't become an automatic weapon for excuses, just tell your boss it won't happen again. Most of us are naturally prone to be more openly responsible for the good things in our lives (mortgage payments, car note, tuition), but when it comes to the bad things some want to relinquish as much responsibility as possible so that they don't have to face their demons and are not held accountable for their actions.

We are NOT entitled to "good treatment"....nor are we entitled to "bad treatment". Those terms are relative to the person who speaks them and therefore hold no significance in this discussion. The significant issues are (1) What is going on and (2) How we feel about it. We are much better off when we actively face the facts of a situation rather than personally judging and feeling victimized by it while doing nothing to prevent it or help turn it into a positive. Otherwise, don't feel bad when you find yourself by yourself.

You aren't the only one with problems.

You aren't the only one with pain.

Your situation is not unique.

STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF.

It's not sexy...at all lol

-GB