Self Reflection in September

So a couple of weeks ago, I took a vacation to visit my two wonderful friends and to witness them get married. As I spent my week with them, I evaluated my life and how everything is currently going. I started to think about all the things that the people in my life are going through and experiencing. I honestly feel like everyone… and I do mean EVERYONE around me is getting married or having kids or both. I couldn’t help feeling a little left out. It almost felt like I missed out somewhere… then I’d snap out of it to enjoy my week. It was crazy that I keep feeling like I was missing out on something in life. I felt like I had no purpose up there at times but we’d end up doing something then I would snap me out of it. It was a weird feeling. By the end of the week I was a little happy to be going back home to my normal routine. I thought the feelings I felt and the thoughts I had while I was in Virginia would fade away when I got back home. I don’t even know why I even tried to fool myself by trying to believe that… In other words, I was wrong.



This entire month has been crazy in my mind. Every week I get reminded that everyone around me is having babies or getting married. Everywhere I turn around someone is getting engaged, about 5 people at work have had babies this year, Jrome just welcomed his baby girl a few months ago, and on top of that I’ll be an uncle in about 5 weeks. All the babies in my universe is actually keeping me away from dating… not that I’m having sex or anything, I just feel like it’s a sign telling me to be careful and not jump into something, as stupid as that sounds. And the baby thing didn’t bother me until this past weekend when I went to see my brother. I felt kind of left out in the family in a sense because of this ordeal with him expecting his first born and my parents becoming grandparents. I really haven’t given the pregnancy a second thought until this weekend. I had this strange feeling like he stole something from me. It was crazy; this wave of spitefulness came over me. I’m the first born and I’ve been taking my time to “do things right.” Find the right person for me, establish myself at work and live on my own to experience the world around me and then settle down. It seems like I get criticized more than anything these days, while everyone is praising him and behind him while he is expecting his first born son. It was crazy because I love my brother to death, I’m proud of him, and I stand behind him in whatever he does (as long as it’s positive). It’s really exciting going through this with him and watching him step up to the plate as a father. Then he will probably be getting married within the next year too. Nothing but good things coming around the horizon and I had the audacity to feel jealous…. Its things like that that really make me mad at me. Glad I checked myself on that too, because that’s the same foolishness that leads me to read too much in my past and think of ways I could have salvaged my failed relationships with various people. Or carry feelings of resentfulness toward people who I love and who have done nothing to me.



It’s crazy that the pressure to reach that next level in life is affecting me like this. That’s my flesh and blood too. It told me a couple of things about myself though, both good and bad. I’m more aware of who I am as a person which means that I’ve grown a lot. It also showed me that I’m still not ready yet, but I’m ready to try to be ready for whatever life has for me around the corner. I just have to lower the walls that I’ve placed up. And I know that I wasn’t just jealous of him but I was jealous of everything around me too. My friends and family members having babies and getting married got to me. I keep having these feelings that I’m feeling left out. Everyone has the same thing to talk about and I don’t. I’ve always wanted to have a family too, so of course that’s the source of it all. I guess being surrounded by all this family building; I got a little discouraged based on my current situation. Which is silly to me, because why would I want to be in a rush to start a family? Like that’s going to make everything work out. I’m not ready for any of that yet. And I don’t want to struggle trying to provide for a family right now. I do not have the mentality for that right now. It’s almost like I see being single as a problem. But that’s not really the case though. I just want to be in a good and fulfilling relationship. It’s getting boring watching television and movies by myself, or trying to gather a bunch of people up to go somewhere. At the same time I’m still too set in my ways and selfish. I’m willing to set all that aside though. I’m willing to do all of this because I ultimately want a family so I believe that my time will eventually come. I’m not in a rush but that doesn’t mean that I can’t put myself out there as being available and approachable. Plus I do like getting to know people… cool people at least. And there is only a few ways I know to meet new people. The main thing about meeting new people is that you have to be approachable. No one likes being around someone who is too guarded. Then to meet that “special” person, you have to be in the right place at the right time and be open-minded with discernment. But really and truly if you practice discernment, then the location and time will fall into place.



Anyway, I thought I share a little personal tidbit about myself and how I currently feel in one way or another. At least how I understand how I feel at the moment. Like I tell everyone else, things will get better, but it starts with me first.