What is the definition of "me"

Disclaimer: I wrote this on the train on my phone (the only free time I have in a day) so excuse my errors in grammar and spelling.

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Why am I the way I am and how did I get here?" Over the years we've made plenty of "bad" decisions and even more questionable ones. But I believe "bad" is a term subjective to how much we've accepted change in our lives and how willing we are to move forward. I could go on and on about living life with no regrets and the bigger picture....(insert yawn). But as human beings it seems that we use the "what if" as a way to cope with those "bad decisions". Almost as if we use the knowledge to validate our deviation from the paths set before us by a third party (parents, teachers, etc.) Is that what a lack of regret actually means? That we haven't necessarily accepted our past as a catalyst for growth but instead an excuse to let our aspirations plateau?

Recently I've posed this very question to myself. You will never hear me complain about what life has thrown at me, but is that due to the acceptance that extravagant dreams are no longer a viable component of my journey? Excuse my language but fuck that, my socially "bad decisions" and mishaps are my favorite and most memorable situations. And almost always they are a derivative of some epiphany that prefaced the action (or in some cases, the lack thereof).

Some of us had children out of wedlock, or got married too early, etc. etc. Now, where is it written that once you've introduced such a profound and irreversible alteration in your life your "dreams" no longer factor into the path of your life. For one, my mother did this to me. Every decision I made/make equates to my lack of maternal instinct and inability as a mother. So now its inherent guilt that subconsciously makes me think twice when I'm "too happy". If I'm happy, its always at someone else's expense right? Yes, that sounds/looks silly when the words are given tangibility, so why then, do we allow this mentality to resonate in our own personal pursuit of euphoria?

In a sense, its common to strive for mediocrity. Especially as women, we feel the incessant desire to provide for someone else, whether a child, spouse, parent, friend, or hell a complete stranger with limitless inconsideration for how it places a definitive ceiling on our own growth and well-being. I've done all of the above, as most of you have I'm sure, but in all honestly, the ultimate ability to provide for any of these entities is ONLY derived from the internally and often ambiguous ability to look out for ourselves.

Back to basics for a minute. Take a woman who works her ass off to provide for her children as a single mother and make sure her children want for nothing. And look at the dad who stays with his overbearing wife working hard (watch Diary of Tired Black Man). As a society, we think "that's a worthy person" because we can assign tangible hardship to their journey. FF 15 years, the kids are grown, and have a fear of commitment etc. All because they've never witnessed what its like to simply pursue happiness. Ok PBS time is over but am I making a little more sense?

So regret is not something we have to eliminate, but let it be an opportunity to further our dreams and reach for something outrageously silly that will make those closest to us shake their heads and question our sanity. That's how we can best provide for them. Fuck them all, and only then can we learn to love them in ways we never could comprehend before. There it is. Good night and live it up!

P.S. if I was on a computer I would post Joss Stone-"Right to be wrong" check this isht out ASAP as possible...hehehe

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