No Sex: My Reevaluation of Relationships Part 2

Let's continue from where I left off in Part 1
http://ghidorah3.blogspot.com/2011/02/no-sex-my-reevaluation-of-relationships.html

Lust should never be mistaken for love, but it is everyday. We choose our wants over our needs. Love doesn’t leave anyone hurt, angry and confused when it’s all said and done. I don’t want to be in a relationship where my ex can’t talk to me. To have my ex avoiding me at every turn. How sad is that to be the person always trying to hide and avoid the other person because you feel hurt, and you can’t let it go? As a couple you spend a couple of months or a couple of years telling and showing people how much in love you are. You meet each other’s families, tell each other your most intimate secrets only to never talk again…. And that feeling mostly comes from confusion. We confuse lust and love only to feel emotionally betrayed by the other person, but most of the time we set ourselves up. At the end of the day, it’s on us. We made the poor decision that left us the way we are. I don’t want that. I don’t want to have regret over my past relationships (yes that is regret when you are putting effort into avoiding your ex, don’t fool yourself). I want to build and create relationships out of love and understanding; those relationships grow into life long friendships and partnerships, even if the romantic relationship comes to an end. I don’t like the fact that someone I confided in is no longer a friend, just because we ended a romantic relationship. It apparently wasn’t meant to be a sexually romantic relationship. Some times we grow apart but we turn that growth into regression with our ill will. I also don’t’ want to feel like my relationship with my wife is a burden. Who keeps friends around that are constant burdens? No one, so why should your spouse/girlfriend be any different, they live with you and share every aspect of your life… let's make sense people. I want me and my wife to be on the same page and 7 hours a week is not going to get us there. So I made the decision to focus my attention on what really matters. My initial reason to refrain from sex was because I was tired. I wanted to eliminate the confusion that comes with sex. I was/am tired of the rat race to chase skirts. I have no desire to “hook up” it serves me no purpose toward my overall dream and goal to having a loving family.

Hooking up doesn’t seem respectful to me either. I’m using you to give me what I want and it just makes me feel bad at the end of the day. Then, what’s the point if I never want to call you other than to have sex? What’s the point if I never want to introduce you to my friends and family? Why have “friends” that you purposely keep in the shadows? I know there are exceptions; at least people think there are. There are people who make platonic relationships work, but why always fight against the rule just so you can justify the exception? Friends with benefits don’t last. I don’t care how much communication you two have it just isn’t meant to be something long term, so justifying it is pointless. The whole point of forming the verbal contract is to avoid putting effort into going out and engaging in meaningless hook-ups. So now you have found a “way out” with someone who shares the same idea, but someone is eventually going to catch feelings and get hurt because the other person doesn’t share those same feelings. It’s all cool when you are using each other, you both are getting what you both want without the fear of being in a real relationship, where you have to care about the other person…. But like I said in Wants vs. Needs, you are ALWAYS going to want more. In that situation you wanting more is justifiable, why wouldn’t it be? Nobody wants to stay the same. Every day we are striving to be better than we are today, so why be in a “relationship” (or I guess a contract) that goes nowhere? Eventually someone is going to want it to go further or move on to something better. The confusion and hurt occurs when the two aren’t on the same page….. Come to think of it… one person wants to further the relationship and the other wants to move on…. That's very similar most relationship break-ups. I’m just saying.

 Liquid Spirits ft. Phonte - If You Don't Love Me by EVO85 

I have constantly asked this question throughout the years, why do friendships last longer than romantic relationships? They are both relationships right, both include love, understanding, trust, etc. I use to think sex was the difference, but we make sex the difference. We claim that we can’t have sex with our opposite sex friends because it will ruin the relationship… hold up… why do we say this? So you mean to tell me that WE KNOW that sex ruins relationships? So WHY do we turn around and have sex with a “stranger” and claim that we are in love??? Sense made to me… none. We are some very confusing creatures and all of it is because we operate off our wants. We are too small minded. Even when it comes to getting in a relationship, we only care about what WE want over someone that actually cares and respects us. That’s some funny stuff. We know what makes a relationship fall apart and work, yet we fail to get past our own selfishness. I don’t want to question myself so much when it comes to relationships. I’m tired of questioning my relationships; I want to know that it feels right and not try to convince myself that it feels right. I want to develop a friendship that isn’t tainted by the effects of sex or confusion. I’m not trying to base my decisions off lustful desires or sexual satisfaction/dissatisfaction. I feel like if I love you and the sex is bad, then I (or you) can learn to be better. That’s the point of being in love, understanding and growing together, making each other better. You have to WANT to be and do better though, and when it comes to a relationship you have to look beyond yourself to do so. Not saying that you have to deny yourself pleasure or satisfaction, just don’t put that completely over the other person.

I think people spend too much time putting emphasis on pleasure and sex. Everything that feels or looks good isn’t always good for you. Instant gratification never got any one anywhere worth truly being either. So I decided to do something about it. It hasn’t been that easy either, deprogramming yourself isn’t easy or fun, but I believe that it will take me to the places I want to be. It really is an interesting thing to look beyond what I want. It’s nice being able to see more than I was able to see before.

No Sex: My Reevaluation of Relationships Part 1

In 2009, I decided to make certain “sacrifices” in my life. Toward the end of the year I decided to “give up sex”. By the time the New Year came around I decided to abstain from sex in 2010. To make things perfectly clear, I am not a sex addict of some sort. Sex has never been anything that I’ve struggled with. It was just something I decided to do. I initially made the decision to do it because I was tired, but as the days, weeks and months went by I gained new purpose and understanding to what I decided to do.

I’ve endured my fair share of jokes about not getting any, but I don’t care. People are always going to have jokes, but I want more from my life and my relationships. SO here I am explaining it. Thought I’d share some of my revelations (some of which I’ve already known, but am trying to apply). SO please keep in mind that what I’m writing is all my opinion, this is what I feel at the current moment and is due to change, provided more evidence changes my viewpoints.

To me sex has been overly hyped and just like everything else, when taken out of context can be inappropriate and lead to confusion. (If you haven’t read Gevar’s post please read it  http://ghidorah3.blogspot.com/2011/02/sex-smorgasbord.html). Sex is everywhere; it’s basically a constant thought in our minds. From church to the clubs, and I’m a little tired of it. Every time I go out I seem to see the same thing. Females showing more skin or curves (and rolls and bumps) for attention, YET they don’t want to be bothered. Jrome (one of the creators) brought up a good point a while back, females dress for each other when they go out, they don’t dress for the attention of guys, they dress to compete with each other… but that’s another topic that he can talk about. My point is men are not the only ones that use sex for their own gains or think about it all the time. I just got tired of it, so I started to evaluate my thought process and relationships. In order to move forward with some things you have to glance back. So I had to look back on my past relationships, experiences and even on other people’s situations. To me sex was/is an act of love. It’s the closest you can physically get to someone. Sex is a fusion that should be reserved for two people who love, care and respect each other. Basically, sex should be reserved for married people ( in the grand scheme of things, but of course the institution of marriage has been taking some heavy hits for the people that don’t respect it, care for it or understand it). Let me rephrase that (we live in messed up times), Sex should be reserved for two people who are under a marriage contract and it should be performed with the two people under the said contract with each other.

The reason sex complicates things is because in certain situations it is inappropriate. It gives an illusion of feeling when there really wasn’t any to begin with, not the feeling that you were hoping for at least. Women claim that men know how to “detach” themselves from sex; the truth is we never had feelings in the first place. There was no attachment to begin with. You can’t honestly tell me that you “love” a dude after the short period of time it took for him to meet you, get your number, “play the game” and then you two have sex…. If women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex, then we are all misguided. However, according to this statement men have the better idea than women do because love comes before sex. So, according to the statement, this is the reason why women have so many relationship failures, you are giving the want before the need…This can all lead back to my post  http://ghidorah3.blogspot.com/2011/01/needs-vs-wants.html, we need companionship (love) but we want sex, then we confuse the two. Every sex act has a degree of emotion and affection associated with it. Is sex love? No it’s not. Sex is an act of love. Giving and receiving at a more filthy yet compassionate level. Love can exist without sex and therefore sex can exist without love. What many people (stereotypically women) fail to realize is that sex is an action, and every action has a motive. The motive may or may not include your best interest. Someone having sex with you doesn’t mean that they love you; they may just enjoy sex without caring anything about you.

I’ve seen too many relationships fail because sex was incorporated too early or given more importance than the relationship itself. It makes no sense why sex is so important in a relationship. Why should sex be a means to begin, stay in or end a relationship? Let’s look at this from a logical viewpoint. I’ll give sex an hour out of the day. There are 7 days in a week. So, there are 168 hours in a week and if you have sex every single day, that’s 7 hours a week devoted to sex. You still have 161 hours left to put up with each other (now for the technically picky people, I know that your week is full of activities that take up the remainder of the 161 hours, but let’s just say none of us have jobs or anything else to do). If you find that the only things you enjoy in your relationship are those 7 hours, then something is wrong with you. You are telling me that 7 hours or pleasure are enough to put up with 161 hours of confusion, drama and misery? Give me 161 hours of happiness, understanding and love any time. Those 161 hours are way more important to me than 7 hours of deceit. I don’t ever want to lose sight of real love again. I don’t want to fool myself into making something work when I know that it was never meant to be what it is.

Check out part 2
http://ghidorah3.blogspot.com/2011/02/no-sex-my-reevaluation-of-relationships_02.html

Sex Smorgasbord

I tried to just focus on one aspect of the topic at hand, but sex is way too complex to marginalize so let's explore, shall we? *rubs hands together*

Defined

I would like to say that sex is only a way for two people who really care for each other to physically connect and express their love to one another....but that is simply not the case and hasn't been for a very long time. Among other things, sex today is a tool for validation, revenge, strictly pleasure with no emotional attachment, a barter system (monetary or otherwise), a hobby, profession, etc., etc. Not to pass judgement on any of these because I've definitely used a few of these myself, but it's safe to say that sex (like anything else) is not being used solely for its intended purpose on a large scale. We all have different views on what is right or wrong about it but we can all agree that it has been categorically humanized. On a smaller scale it can be the most beautiful fulfilling thing on the planet and also the biggest detriment we've ever experienced, based on how both parties perceive the act. Which leads me to a HUGE misconception that I have both witnessed and been involved in....

"Women give sex to get love. Men give love to get sex." 

I read somewhere that someone said something to the effect of...If men didn't think with their penises (peni?...lol), most women would still be virgins....i couldn't disagree with anything more. Being that every woman (barring rape) makes a conscious decision every time she opens her legs, the consequences are a result of that decision...good or bad. Whether she was led on or not is irrelevant. I've noticed that a lot of women prefer to use scapegoats to avoid admitting that they just made a terrible decision. It may seem easier and may feel better to put the blame on the other party but it actually makes you look that much weaker. It implies that you are incapable of making decisions for yourself...and if that is truly the case, you deserve to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.

 Cee-Lo Green - Bodies (Produced By Salaam Remi) by EVO85

(marinate on that)

In addition, I can't be convinced that in 2011 women aren't openly and equally (if not more) sexually suggestive, aggressive, and down right horny as men. Open your eyes, it's not 1955 anymore. The modern woman is just that...modern. Accept your duality as a human being...embrace it and all the decisions that come with it. Right or wrong. And be careful who you *decide* to open your legs to.

There are those times when you make a good decision and it hits on all cylinders. In my experience, sex is SO much better when you have built an actual connection and a relationship (on whatever level) with the other person. You actually care about pleasing them and take time to learn every curve, every spot, every quirk. And when it's over, you're not overcome with instant regret while counting the seconds before they get dressed and leave. Versus...

"In the bathroom doing that ' What am I doing?' crap...hoping I can leave by 4:15/ Knowing all she really wants is a '2/14' but in the meantime settles for me, 'Mr. Sheets'..." 

We've all been down that road which more often than not ends on unfavorable terms. That or it just ends and while it was adequate enough while it lasted, we're left with that empty void that we came in with that the sex alone inevitably could not fill. Being on the same page with your partner adds that emotional fulfillment to the physical act along with all the extras. You can communicate what you want more effectively, do all the crazy things you always wanted to but couldn't, try new things, and explore boundaries. It also helps being very candid about your sexual history...in my opinion. My lady and I frequently discuss our past "encounters" and it never gets weird or feels like I'm talking to my girl....feels like two friends just chatting. I've noticed that it breaks down the walls of mystery and places our connection on a higher level without anyone getting jealous or speculating. Some would rather deal with the present and not display their past, but I believe my past is what shaped who I am today and my partner should know that. It's my story, so I must share it.

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How Do You Want It?

How Does It Feel?

Many many females feel they just KNOW what a man wants and needs when in all honesty its probably a whole lot simpler than you may think. For certain "HOLIDAYS" some feel as if they have to do something extra sexy/special when actually the fact that you've shown up has done it all... (i know krazy right lol) Yet don't get me wrong if you like going all out for your man believe me he enjoys it just maybe not how you want him to. There starts the problem and the lack of a problem all in one so now... lets break in ALLL the way DOOOOOOWN....

So you went to Vicky Se. to get that nighty that will show off your curves to an extent he may have never seen before. You cut off all the lights, light some candles, put on some nice slow sensual music. May spread sum rose petals on the floor from the entrance to the bedroom where you have the satin(silk if u got the money) sheets ready for action. He comes home, walks in the door and calls your name, asks where you are as he follows the petals, gets to the door and sees you on the bed, drops his bag n takes off his tie. As he approaches the bed starts unbuttoning his shirt then he asks... "what's all this for?(record scratches)". You tell him, "it's because i love you." and he proceeds to tear and rip away at everything you have on as he does his own. Leaving your brand new nighty bedside without a mention of it at all... there starts the problem! Cause THAT nigga and give you NO credit for ALL that damn work you spent ALL that time doing.

The only thing i have to say to that is... you did it to yourself babe. While you have some men that do appreciate that from the spouse/wifey/gf/boo whatever, it does occassionally go unnoticed because the lead up to it is great but the experience is what MOST men are in it for. Now if you're lucky you have a man that is willing to give you great 4play for as long as you need to get... READY! lol (If you dont have this kind of man subtle hints or a simple "(domination)role playing" will help) Men always notice your curves with or without clothes and very few men dont know their womans every curve(unless they just caveman that azz every night). Sexy clothes are always nice but not needed, you can probably get the same rise out of him just by being at home on the bed naked waiting for him. You could even try waiting for him at the front door (if you know what time he gets home) because after a long day a nice "session" is always enjoyable in an empty house.

If you listen to music like i do, alot of R&B songs can give you ideas of when and where you can surprise your man.

• R. Kelly - Sex in the Kitchen **
• Tony Terry - In the Shower **
• Silk - Meeting in My Bedroom
• Boyz II Men - I'll Make Love to You
• Donell Jones - Can't Wait
• Dru Hill - Real Freak
• Dwele - Lay It Down
• Eric Benet - Chocolate Legs***
• Ginuwine - Sex
• H-Town - Knockin Da Boots*
• Jamie Foxx - Freak'in Me
• Jodeci - Freakin You
• Jon B. - Can We Get Down
• LSG - My Body
• R. Kelly - Bump N Grind

Ok i'll stop there for now... but you get my point, they may not give exact details but from each of those songs its not just sex or just love but the act. The act is what most men focus on, now it's not right TRUE. Yet when tempted with the female body most men's thought process shuts down to some extent (now im giving away secrets so please take note!!!). If you want your man to do ANYTHING ask him while naked... I bet he will say yes to damn near ANYTHING not because he didnt hear you but its like a kid when you have candy, "It's A Wrap!" Now me personally i appreciate the nighty, and the candles, and oils, and petals. Yet some heels and a little whipped cream will have the same effect.

If you really REALLY want to get your man in the mood and change it up without spending a while lot or thinking you've done too much. Act like you are cleaning the house with little to nothing on, put on your tallest boots, black panties, and bra and make him call you by an alias. Do something to tease him while he is on the phone, computer, or working from home. If you want a special night do something out of the norm. Every valentine's people expect roses and chocolate candles and a nighty. Throw him a hook, pull out a whip (will not work on all but then again you never know), put on a costume, role play. If you like the flower petals and candles let him do that for you and let him know that he should. Honestly men are so much simpler than you think, but if you want to go sexy, something spicy, something pleasureable? Try something besides the "love scenes" you see on your favorite dram show. Go with something that makes the imagination run and temp in the room rise. For most guys the best time to do something out of the norm is.... (wait for it)...... ANYTIME!!! the less expected time is the best time. Best places to cattch a man... EVERYWHERE!!! If he hops in the shower(bathtub)... hop in with him and give him reason to feel like i have to bathe again lol. If he is in the garage working on something give him reason to take a break. Stressed out about work give him reason to be stress free, watching the game? Show him how to use that 15min halftime LMAO.

Dont ever allow yourself to OVERTHINK what men want, our wants are easy good love, good food, good music, good sports(entertainment), good view, and a good drama free atmosphere. So instead of wondering so much as to what you should do for your man and wondering what he WANTS i just told you... now his individual needs.... needs..... NEEDS!!!, thats different find that out on your own Ms. Don't think you have to do something sexy for your man because you are sexy in his eyes you just have to find a way to make him see the freak in you that we all know is there.......... yes i said "we all KNOW is there", because everyone can be freaky, but there are only a few Freaks lol

Now that we have that out of the way tell him "How you want it, and how it feels" lol

You Know I Keep That White Girl... AYE!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH SNAP!!! I guess its about time to try n ruffle some feathers....... so what better topic than the infamous Interracial Dating topic... cause we all have feelings views and opinions or what is right/wrong/otherwise.... so let git it crackin!!!

I hear people on both sides of the fence say why they would/wouldn't date out of their race. I've heard parties make extremely valid points as why they (specificly) would/wouldn't. I've heard valid points of the struggle of relationships and the added struggle of an interracial relationship. There's the constant dirty looks, questions, and misconceptions of the relationship. There is even the battle with family and friends over the relationships. My question is and will always be, what is the cost of being happy?

You can look down on an interracial relationship because it's not how you were raised and it may not be something you completely understand. It could be the thought of, "how will my family see this?", "What will we have to endure around our friends?", "What trouble could this cause when we go out?", "If we have children how will it affect them?" Yet you can also see the light in the situation, "I really love this person!", "Our families support us reguardless.", "Our kids can benefit from learning both backgrounds.", "Who Cares what everyone else thinks aslong as we care for each other."

Too often we worry so much about what everyone else is doing we forget to ask, "are they happy?" I have been around interracial relationships since i was little, so my introduction was somewhat of a good one. Although, I had many people around me that weren't FOND of the idea yet, they accepted it because the couple was happy. My views on the topic are not solely from an outsider as well i have been in a relationship with someone out of my race. Yet, In a day and age when "race" is mainly decided by skin color who can really say that they are/aren't dating outside their race? If i trace down my ancestors im sure there may be a few "suprises" along the way but i know in general terms i am a "Mutt"(African, Caucasian, Native, French) lol. Honestly how many of you are MUTT? (do research i'll wait)......

I've had many male friends say, "man i wont every mess with a white girl!" Only to have a change of mind (days, weeks, months, years) later to come back and say, "man i dont know why i never did!" Not to say if you have never, "gone white you not doing right", but to say never limit your options. Its a big world with alot of people there is no reason to think the people within a 50 mile radius are the only ones that you can talk to. Sometime you have to venture out to find happiness. We say, "Sky's the limit", yet for some reason we tend to limit who we can/can't date who we will/won't marry because of race.

(Stepping off soap box for a min): I'm not trying to change your mind on who you will and won't date just trying to change your view of how you look at those who do... now...

(Stepping back up on soapbox): Let's get back to it...

I have seen many couples make it past the, "dating", phase and proud of my little sis who has and is still happily married and with a child. I think there is a major misconception that it is only dating or only rich/famous black men date interracially when it's so far beyond that. For decades there have been interracial marriages and relationships and you would think by now we would be alot more accepting of people finding happiness. Who are we to judge someone who has found happiness?

YET........ there are those who feel like, "i only date (_ given race and sex _)", that i can understand people looking at with the side eye not because they are wrong but they possibly have a prejudice of those they "won't" date. I don't mind someone saying they are only attracted to their race when thats all they know, but when you down your own race thats when I mind. I have known a few famles/males of all races that feel that their race of men/women is not... hmm.... "adequate" for them to date. Which makes me wonder if they themselves feel they are adequate or are they taking a step down to date outside their race? Not to say that they are stepping down but what is their feeling of their race of men/women? True you could have had some bad relationships with a certain race but that doesnt mean all will be bad. (STOP... thats another blog)

We have come too far on this journey for equality to stop ourselves from looking at people for who they are, as opposed to what they are. Sadly we still judge people for the same prejudices they had decades before our generations. They fought for equal rights and we fight because, "why he gotta be with that white bitch?" Today is a day of acceptance, if he/she is not with you because they are with someone out of their race be happy that they are happy. Not everything is meant to be and if its not then be happy for that other person and find your own happiness wether it be in or out of your race. Don't worry so much about everybody else's life and decisions when you can only affect and change your own.

Life is short find your happiness.

side note: i could go in SOO much harder but yall aint ready...

Mr. I'ma Get Sniped!

We're Not ALL Dogs... But Then Again...

In a previous blog, Once A Cheater!... Always A Cheater?, i touched on things that can lead to making "us"(men) cheat. Such as, "Problem is with it only taking 1-3 women to turn a man into a "Dog", like so many claim we all are" and i still stand by this statement... For most men it only takes a few women to make us "cold hearted dogs", but it can also be understood that if a guy has been scared and hasnt let go then im sorry to report "you're prolly gonna get screwed". Unfortunately today im not defending that type of nigga... cause its yo turn niggas!!!

Too many times "we" as men allow ourselves to take the hurt and pain from every TRIFLIN HO in the past, bottle it up, and use it as a reason to not let ANYBODY get close to our "heart". Which in some cases i again understand but its 2011 its time to let go... You are not helping yourself you're just spreading the pain to them to start that cycle ALL over again. The worst part of "playing the game" is you are just giving them that same pain you experienced. It's not "being a man", it's being a coward. You can't lead someone on and then leave them hanging in limbo because YOU didn't know how to let go of the heart break YOU experienced. So yea your ex cheated with your best friend, or she stepped out with your brother, or she became yo ex-girl with a girlfriend. Instead of bottling that pain up and using it as ammo we need to practice letting go. You know stop take a second and BREATH BITCH... sigh.

I think it's funny to see so many guys out here trickin off these girls but when they have a daughter they dont want a nigga to do it to her. Well POPS welcome to the world of Karma! Just because you fucked over a ton of girls doesnt mean your child will experience it, yet at the same time you can't expect it to go super great. Sometimes we just have to be real with ourselves and understand that yea we can go out and be hos. Though you can't lead someone on to think they have a reason to love you when you have a no strings attached mindset. I think at some point we have all suffered from the addiction to freedom but if you can't be real with the person(s) you're messing with then you are lying to yourself about YOUR happiness.

Growning up i think we all start as hopeless romantics(please look it up if u dont know) yet with tv, music, and the older men around us we pick up on the tricking off. Once we get that 1st taste of heart break most of us move on still hopeless romantics hoping to find happiness. Then it happens again thats when you can make the choice to keep hoping or become what you know you really don't want to be but will accept because "every otha nigga do it".

There's nothing wrong with being tough, there is something wrong with being cold. Any man that tries to say he is happy fucking every girl in sight he is lying because at the end of the day everybody wants that one body to come home to. Some front and say they don't care, yet they do. No man whats to be cheated on just like no man wants to be the "side dick", yet we treat women like they should love that position. Why continue to live up to a stereotype, when you can encourage the next young brother to do better and expect better? With life comes pain, but todays pain doesnt have to be tomorrows.

We can always look at what hurt us, what can hurt us, what will hurt us, but we have to let go. Keep it with you as a learning point but let the pain, anger, and hurt go because if you dont you are going to start that cycle withnot only the next girl but the next generation. If all men are dogs why not try to be "that nigga" that's not. Be the guy who actually does give a shit about a person enough to tell them the truth. If you have to lie to someone about being with them when you have no intentions to be that is the same as cheating. If you have a "side chick" and a "main chick" you're cheating. Basically if you have felt the pain before why spread it to everyone else? Thats just more pain for her to deal with and possibly pass on to what could have been a good nigga.

There can't be truth without care... meaning maybe you should give a shit about the people you talk to... even if its just a cut buddy, give a shit enough to atleast let them know, "hey this is all it is, if you aren't happy with it we need to move on", might seem kinda crazy but believe me its a whole lot easier and better for both parties.

When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong

"Imma do me!"

"I am who I am!"

"Love me or leave me!"

How often in the span of 24 hours do you see, hear, or even speak variations of these words?  We want to stay true to ourselves at all times, which is vital to our happiness, but just like anything else in life we must have balance. I think it has become more of a defense mechanism and a self-affirmation to spew these words out every time we are challenged in our way of thinking or living. Standing your ground is important, but how much is too much? When does keeping it real go wrong?

If our feet are planted at all times, it ensures that we can't be pushed down or moved backwards, but also ensures that we can make no forward progress. Being that most of us like to believe that we embrace change in our lives, sticking to our guns too much in life can prove to be counterproductive to our growth. We all need people around us who uplift and encourage our individualism, but also challenge us to be better in certain areas. In my opinion, those are the best types of relationships. Don't let pride or fear of growth rob you of beneficial relationships in your life. Take it as a blessing to have people who extract you from your comfort zone every now and then.


In our relationships, a lot of us like to take on the "Love me or leave me" mindset. I understand it being used for people who choose to judge unfairly from a distance, but not for those who are closest to us. Just because someone cares for you doesn't mean they agree with everything you're about. Sometimes we know for a fact that there are things about ourselves that we would like to change to make us better individuals ultimately improving our relationships. Sadly, it is easier to say "He/She just couldn't handle me." as justification, rather than use that person to help us make the first steps toward making that necessary change.



Granted there are some relationships that just aren't meant and certain situations can't work, but if you find yourself being left more than loved maybe you need to get a "handle" on yourself and re-evaluate your mindset. Check your ego and find a way instead of finding an excuse. Maybe your deliberate refusal to embrace positive change is pushing people away. If you want a certain type of individual in your life, first make sure you possess the same qualities that you are looking for. If you haven't reached that level yet, how can you possibly live your life on the defensive, wanting good things to happen? Afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to grow, afraid to change.

It is a fundamental law of attraction that like attracts like. Whatever you have, or are, you attract more of. If we truly want to change for the better, then we should change our thoughts and our words because they become who we are. In other words, our dominant thoughts are what attract the people and the circumstances in our lives.


It's your life and you created it, which means you have all the power to change it, for better or for worse. Don't get too comfortable with who you are (or who you think you are) at any given time. Who wants to stay the same for forever? That's not living, that's death for all intents and purposes.

Is Chivalry Dead???

If chivalry is dead, who killed it? I was listening to an old school song entitled "Treat her like a lady" it made me think what happened to that man? One who would help a lady with her coat, open a door or pull out a chair. Chivalry is defined as a medieval system of principles, and customs that idealize a knight such as bravery, courtesy, honor, and gallantry towards women. Chivalry is also defined as a gallant gentlemen. In my current observation I find that courtesy and honor appear to be obsolete.Values and principles have been tossed out. Values and principles are learned behaviors .I tell my clients all the time if you do not know what you value . I don't know how to treat you. If you don't have values you can't possible have expectations. Being that values are learned I often wonder which generation discontinued the lesson or just skipped school that day. In a relationship men want to be treated like men and Women want and to be treated like a women. However before anyone can treat you as you deserve to be treated you must act accordingly. Men should be Men. If you don't know what a real man is find one to learn from. Women should be women ,again if you don't know what that is, find a real woman to learn from. Chilvary is not dead. As women we must understand that our independence can be both a gift and a curse. Its good to not depend on anyone. However its also good to allow someone to care for you. Allow him to open the door, hold the umbrella, help you with your coat,pull out the chair and initiate first contact. It's OK, it doesn't make you weak. Ladies for someone to treat you like a lady you must act accordingly. If you allow certain things and don't communicate that you need certain things you will not receive anything. Men you must step up and reclaim your position.A position of honor, bravery and gallantry. Both women and men must have clearly defined values and expectations. Again if you don't expected anything you will not receive anything. Chivalry will die if we don't nurture it. Don't allow her independent nature or strong personality scare you off. Treat her like a lady. Ladies allow a man to be a man.He can't be brave if you are jumping out ahead of him wearing the protective amour. No man wants a "hard,thugged out chick". Good girls win in the end! Chilvary is not dead but it's lingering on life support. Just my thoughts!!!

Soulmates....?

Admit it...even if you don't want to. At some point in your life you have seriously felt, or had an inkling, that you found your soul mate. Take a second, think back, and recall who you gave that title to....

Some of you are cringing and shaking your heads right now.

Some are laughing hysterically.

Others are smiling because you may still be with that particular person.

I used to believe in the concept, but I'm pretty certain I don't anymore.....and I'm happy about that. Blame my 25 year old cynicism if you will, but I don't believe anyone is mapped out to fit us. I don't believe I was necessarily "made for" anyone and no one was "made for" me.  I know I sound like a huge cynic, but follow me.

I am a man who believes in opportunity.  Not to get super religious, but I believe when we ask God for things like patience, knowledge, or acceptance, we aren't just automatically granted what we wish for. Instead, we are put in a position (aka, given the OPPORTUNITY) to be patient, to gain knowledge, to accept. It's up to us to recognize that opportunity and take that first step toward gaining whatever it is we ask for. With that said, I don't believe happiness in relationships depends necessarily on the person you are with, but more on where both of you are in your development as individuals. You MUST be on the same page. Thus, I believe that finding someone "for you" is a product of good timing and seizing the opportunity...nothing more, nothing less. I seriously doubt that if I had met my lady when we were 18, her and I would have clicked and ended up together. We were two TOTALLY different people than who we are today and it probably would have gone bad pretty quickly...lol

A lot of times, we are too quick to bestow the "soulmate" title because we want a strong connection so badly to the point where we do our best to MAKE one...especially if the relationship is a good one (or better than we've had previously). We are afraid to lose that person, to be alone, to have to "start over". And before we know it, what was once love (if it ever was) has turned into convenience and fear. We trick ourselves into believing that this is the best thing ever, then when the truth reveals itself we scare ourselves into staying in unfulfilling relationships. Holding on to what we think is best for us, when all we're really holding on to is familiarity....All because we have prematurely convinced ourselves way too early in the relationship that "This is it." Not necessarily because of the other person, but out of our own selfish aversion to the thought of being alone....

Sound familiar? We've all been there, whether on one side of the equation or the other.

 The Foreign Exchange - Fight For Love by EVO85


I think one of the best things anyone can do when it comes to relationships is calm down. Take your time and BUILD something worthwhile...one brick at a time. We focus too much on "Forever" and not enough on building up to Forever. Stop thinking and trying so hard...you shouldn't have to TRY to be with someone to where you start to force a relationship. Let go of the ridiculous titles "He/She is my everything."  "Always."  "Forever."  That stuff is way to absolute to focus on and claim so early on in a relationship. The best relationships are ones where the two individuals have accepted that it could indeed NOT be forever and always, thus they focus on actually building a relationship from the ground up to a (possible) Forever; and letting life "happen" in the meantime. Whether that means that all they'll ever be is friends or they end up married for 60 years. They understand that they probably can't create the cookie cutter dream that they've had about what a fulfilling relationship is "supposed" to be.

They know and accept that they know NOTHING except that they can't force love where it doesn't exist. Square pegs do not fit in round holes, no matter how much we want them to sometimes. In other words, it is what it is.

Timing & Opportunity




Skip to about the 6:30 mark. The beach scene....contains one of my favorite dialogues.



Peace,

GB

The Worst Addiction

Self-defeat....it surrounds us every day. Self-doubt, stereotypical thoughts/comments, negativity, etc..Most of us are involved in it at some point...some more than others. Perhaps the worst state of self-defeat comes in the form of "playing the victim". We all know at least one person who seemingly can NEVER have a good day, always has something/someone to complain about, always gets the short end of the stick, is always being done wrong, and yet, they fail to see their own fault in ANY of it.

Tara Parker-Pope writes: 

"I got a glimpse of it once from another patient, a woman in her early 60s who complained about her ungrateful children and neglectful friends. As she spoke, it was clear she felt that all the major figures in her life had done her wrong. In fact, her status as an injured party afforded her a psychological advantage: she felt morally superior to everyone she felt had mistreated her. This was a role she had no intention of giving up.

As she left my office, she smiled and said, 'I don’t expect that you’ll be able to help me.' She was already setting up her next failure: her treatment."

Sound familiar? Maybe a little too familiar for some? It's almost like a disease or drug addiction...like people get some sort of high or satisfaction from tearing themselves and others down. It's a subconscious reflex to point the finger for every bad situation. Some people find themselves unhappy and the only way find reassurance is to assign a scapegoat for everything that is going wrong, has gone wrong, or will go wrong in their lives. In any event, I would like to delve a little into how self-victimization can affect us in our personal relationships.

When we play the victim in our personal relationships, it takes the substance out of the connections that we build with people and becomes a game of manipulation. Like a chess game....and your friends/relatives are the pieces. It's easy to manipulate most people by way of sympathy if you choose to do so. Why? People hate to see someone else suffer. Furthermore, they hate it more to think of themselves as the cause of someone else's suffering. What's worse is the friends and relatives that we choose to manipulate and antagonize are often the closest people to us and end up being the ones that we push away. Then we still feel wronged to some degree because we have "the right to be angry" because THIS or THAT happened to us and if people truly cared they would stick around and accept it. (Terribly wrong on so many levels.) So after driving out every substantial relationship, we keep the "yes men/ yes women" around, not to build relationships, but to provide validation as a catalyst for the addiction.  

Yes, we have the right to be angry.....and the people close to us have the right to decide whether or not they want to deal with that anger and resentment. Consequently, most times they choose not to and they can't be held at fault for that. Some people can't be helped simply because they refuse to help themselves...don't get comfortable in your anger. If people are constantly leaving your life, maybe it's because you showed them the door then proceeded to kick them through it. If none of your relationships seem to have any real substance or durability, maybe it's because you don't either....harsh reality.

Pointing the finger can be very deceiving in that it provides a false sense of power to whomever is doing the pointing. I can see how it can possibly make one feel more powerful to release all blame from themselves and throw the baggage on someone else, but ironically, when you do this you are actually surrendering power. Essentially it's like saying someone or something had greater power over a situation than you did. Like you were too incompetent to control your OWN actions as a grown man or woman. Makes no sense to me and I am hard pressed to believe it. But what does make sense is the fact that some people tend to run from being responsible for their actions. It's easier to issue 1,000 excuses rather than 1 acknowledgment or confession that we were wrong. If you messed up, admit it. If you made a bad decision, admit it. If you were late for work, don't become an automatic weapon for excuses, just tell your boss it won't happen again. Most of us are naturally prone to be more openly responsible for the good things in our lives (mortgage payments, car note, tuition), but when it comes to the bad things some want to relinquish as much responsibility as possible so that they don't have to face their demons and are not held accountable for their actions.

We are NOT entitled to "good treatment"....nor are we entitled to "bad treatment". Those terms are relative to the person who speaks them and therefore hold no significance in this discussion. The significant issues are (1) What is going on and (2) How we feel about it. We are much better off when we actively face the facts of a situation rather than personally judging and feeling victimized by it while doing nothing to prevent it or help turn it into a positive. Otherwise, don't feel bad when you find yourself by yourself.

You aren't the only one with problems.

You aren't the only one with pain.

Your situation is not unique.

STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF.

It's not sexy...at all lol

-GB

The Good, The Bad, And The "F**K YOU TOO"

A few days ago i got to talking to G(Gevar) about my previous post and we dove into friendships, family, and relationships. As we grow up we USUALLY see (thru TV, movies, and in some cases real life) the joys of relationships. All of us tend to want the house with the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids and a dog/cat. Most of us are so caught up in that sense of being there, we are all hoping to reach that point of happiness not knowing the troubles we will hit. Our parents, bros/sis, try to warn us as we grow older and begin dating but you never know what that pain is until you go through it. In every decent relationship you have two periods that can really define how good or how bad the relationship will be, or has been. Most people hit the honeymoon mark and then start to see things that they had no idea about when looking at their partner... (Wait! Whats the honeymoon period? you ask...)

The honeymoon period is the 3-6 months after the relationship begins. its a time can can make or break any relationship. Why call it the honeymoon period? simple because once you hit that 3-6months you start to see thing about your partner that never bothered you before.

a few examples:

• They're not big on being romantic
• They tend to get mad over little things
• They get mad and raise their voice at you
• You can never do anything right
• They are very boring
• The sex is never anything new (same positions everytime)
• They dont clean up enough
• They never cook
• They NEVER pay for outings(dinner, movies, trips, parties, clubs, drinks ect.)
• They cant be satisfied in any way

The honeymoon is the first real test to any relationship (seeing that im GUESSING you already have the in with the rentals{parents}). It can be the make it or break it point depending on how many problems you may or may not have with you partner. Its a struggle but if its the relationship you want dive n and love hard. Sigh then theres that part that we get a glimpse of but never really understand until we go through it It can be one of those things that blindside you and knocks you off your feet. It can be a gut check by cheating, a fight, or simply realizing the truth to the fact that you are not meant to be. The cheating reason is possibly the most common now days because we have become a "please ME" nation. Only caring about what we want right now instead of what we could have tomorrow. We never know breaking up will be a good or bad thing we only know its hit and we have to deal with what it is. Sometimes we try to deny it and say "we can work it out". Sometimes we think that "it's ok she/he will be back". You know the "Break-up to Make-up" game that we've all experienced. Not exactly fair to either party yet in our own selfishness we overlook the damage it is doing and may do. Its almost lie'n not only to yourself but to the other person as well (but thats another blgo for another day). Sometimes the break up is the thing best for both parties. When you go through "The Break Up" most people tend to take it the way they've heard of it... as a bad thing. Yet most of the time we fail to realize that it can be good, dont see the growth we've made as a person, friend, lover, partner. I've always felt you can make good of any bad situation... but in the case of the honeymoon and the break up all you have to do is be real with each other and you dont have to worry about a situation getting bad you just learn to let it go and move on with continuing to find happiness. The Good, The Bad, and the POSSIBLE "Fuck You Too"... but only if you let it be

The Nice Guy/Good Girl Syndrome...

The other night i after talking to a friend she told me, "you really are a nice guy... wow", now i've always prided myself on breing a gentleman, being respect full and caring of those around me (especially females). Perhaps it was due to the fact that i was raised by such a strong and proud black woman, or because i saw the effect of "being a player" at such a young age, or maybe just because i was taught respect of people by my father. No matter what it was i have always cared for those close to me and showed them that not only in actions but words. Yet for a long time i went on being single while wanting that meaningful relationship with someone who i could spoil and be spoiled by, yet everytime i thought i was getting to that point i would notice that someone has hit a hard left on me n said "you are such a nice/good guy and thats y i like you" but that is where the potential ended. i was place behind the "bars of friendship" and wondering WTF happened between c-w when a-z was going so right. I continuously thought maybe im too nice, maybe im a push over, but quickly came to the sense that... no its because she likes "bad boys" and a majority of the time i was not wrong... i was usually dead on! They go from talking to me to a guy that is disrespectful and prolly cheatin on em (this has been the case with a good 75%). i never got mad at them or turned my back on them i just decided to chill out in tha friend zone and be just that, a good friend. Time and time again i ran into the same situation until i finally said "F**K IT!", i refuse to be the good guy. I instead chose to be the "Bad Boy" that women all seem to love... only to find myself not liking the idea 5 days into it and reverted back to being the only thing i could be... ME, real, blunt, caring, respectful, loving. Yea so i went through my fair share of having people attempt to walk ALL over me, possibly self inflicted, but why change what i admire about myself so much.

1.He isn't needy and clingy; wishy washy. He doesn't get pussy whipped. He wants that relationship with her, but he will also leave her at any time if she doesn't get rid of the attitude. He can take and leave them at any time. 2.He has no problem telling a beautiful woman to kiss his ass if she is acting like a bitch with an attitude, whether she is a stranger or not. 3.He doesn't do everything a woman asks him to do. She is not ALWAYS right. 4.He gives her hell once in a while, he tells her what he thinks when she does dumb things�but, he does it in moderation, and in a constructive way. 5.He makes his own decisions in his life. He is not indecisive. 6.He doesn't let people walk over him, even his boss. He will tell his abusive boss to shove it, and he will then go get another job, even if it means moving to another town or city. He is a confident, take-charge kind of a man, like a man should be.

Props to Perry Rose for this. Many of my close friends have been through the same, why because i surround myself with many of those respectful type of guys who actually care about others without having to force it. I also find myself with many of the "bad boy" types as well i guess it gives me views of what is good to be and what is not. If being called a good guy for us is a bad thing i guess its a path down the wrong road we will enjoy... in a sense i guess we're "BadBoys 4 Life" On the flipside females are expected to be the "good girl" but rarely do we give them credit for actually being that. I have a very close friend who i admire her in her quest to remain a virgin until marriage(yes 25 yrs and counting). Alot of times we dont hear the term "good girl" and truely believe that said person is a good girl. We tend to assume (buulshit) that its all a lie/game. How can there actually be a such thing as a good girl when you have soo many giving up out like balloons on free balloon day. Now to say she is a "good girl" doesnt have to mean she is a virgin but it is assumed that she would be to deserve such a title. I stay around what i consider "good girls" (not because of their virginity or lack there of but) because of the person they are and what they would/could bring to a relationship. Jay-Z said, "you can turn a bad girl good but once a good girl has gone bad she's gone forever". Honestly i cant complain with that, for the females who hear guys say i used to be a good guy, and for the guys who hear chicks say i used to be a good girl think about this... Most guys only need 1 girl to do them dirty for them to be the "Shadiest Player to ever walk this earth", most females go through 2-5 guys to do them wrong before they become the "Evil One". (please note if i get sniped for this... its cuz its true... niggas might get mad) Most if not all guys start out as "Good Guys" a.k.a. Hopeless Romantics just as much as girls tend to be caught in the marriage fantasy, Difference is most guys really do wear their heart on their sleeve for that 1st love/crush and depending on how that ends can effect their whole life. I know of some who were simply destroyed by their first major relationship and ever since then they become more and more of a player/hoe i dont condone it but i can understand the wall they put up but thats another blog and another subject that i will do later... Back to the matter at hand the "Nice Guy" and "Good Girl" syndrome is real to an extent. You just have to realize that you shouldnt let someone or some events change the person you are when you are happy that way... being the "bad boy/bad girl" my seem attractive but if you are true to yourself you will find that being you in the end is all that matters... dont change to be someone you are not and may begin to hate... Signing out, Jrome... (25 n still a good guy)